Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
