So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
