I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
