he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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