i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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