apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
