I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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