So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize