mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
