I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
