This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
