Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
