But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
