and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
