the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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