I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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