she woke up with a sticky ear
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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