The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize