Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
