you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
