I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
