My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
