I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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