I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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