I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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