speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
