ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
