I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
jump out the window naked night went bad
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