Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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