I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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