So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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