alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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