Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
