If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize