Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
