saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize