You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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