it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize