I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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