i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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