he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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