I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
