I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
