Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
