It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
