sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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