so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
