mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
