My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
