i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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