I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
