she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
