My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize