I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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