i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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