Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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