I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
