I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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