where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
