I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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