I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
