We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
