who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
