Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
