I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
