Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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